Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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