I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
