Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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