I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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