I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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