I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
