I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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