Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
