So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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