My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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