first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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