We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just gift wrapped bread.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You were trust falling into bushes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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