2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
