i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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