I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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