AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
