lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
