my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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