it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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