speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
