you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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