Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
