My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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