I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
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for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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