I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
