So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
