well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
