i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
