my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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