Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This is classic penis vs brain.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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