After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
