new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
PANTIES FOUND
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