Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
