someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
