hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
