I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
