It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
