I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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