he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
