i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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