Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
