Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
