Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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