tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
