if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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