So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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