dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.