please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
