I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
