I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Randomize
