I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
