Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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