it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My dick has a subreddit
Randomize
