Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
