i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
